Rants / Moby, Lets Have a Chat

Ah Moby. Talented artist, but also never a stranger to controversy – chiefly over him dating a super-young Natalie Portman, plus a heap of assorted beefs and all around problematic behavior. And now Moby decided to flap his gums yet again, this time for Guardian and say that he finds lyrics to Lola by Kinks gross.

Lola by the Kinks came up on a Spotify playlist, and I thought the lyrics were gross and transphobic. I like their early music, but I was really taken aback at how unevolved the lyrics are.

Now I confess – I don’t remember lyrics to Lola at all. That’s how it goes with a lot of hits too, there’s a sweet Oreo filling of a gigantic sellable chorus and everything else is forgettable at best. So lets study the lyrics together, shall we?

Well, I’m not the world’s most physical guy
But when she squeezed me tight she nearly broke my spine
Oh my Lola
La-la-la-la Lola
Well, I’m not dumb but I can’t understand
Why she walked like a woman but talked like a man

Now, perhaps, I’m just reading those lyrics wrong, but I fail to see how this is transphobic. Quite the opposite – if I’m reading it correctly Ray Davies should be given some sort of award for getting ahead of Lou Reed and Walk on the Wild Side. Furthermore, the Bluesky thread where we discussed Lola revealed more than a few examples of songs that Moby could’ve picked instead.

How about Funky Cold Medina by Tone Loc? Fun 80s party song, right? Well…

This brother told me a secret
On how to get more chicks
Put a little Medina in your glass
And the girls’ll come real quick

But wait…there’s more. A lot more. Keep in mind that this is the same artist that later performed with Peaches  – who, my senses tell me, probably wouldn’t have approved. I get it…it was the 80s and Tone-Loc probably meant no harm…but come on.

So I took her to my crib
And everything went well as planned
But when she got undressed, it was a big old mess
Sheena was a man

So I threw him out, I don’t fool around
With no Oscar Mayer wiener
You must be sure that your girl is pure
For the Funky Cold Medina

You know?
Ain’t no plans with a man
This is the 80s, and you know I’m down with the ladies
No joke

So there’s your horrible twofer. First you spike the drink, then you proclaim that this is the 80s and you find it gross that your date turned out to be a man. Again, Tone-Loc probably meant no harm and he comes off as rather charming and funny in interviews, but transphobia or date rapes are anything but funny, even in the fictional setting of a song. Here’s looking at you too Sublime.

Nate Patrin also brought up A Thing Named Kim by Biz Markie in the same thread. Not going to recite the lyrics here, but you can take a wild guess what its about. One could also argue that Got Some Teeth by Obie Trice belongs on the same list, but thankfully it doesn’t seem transphobic or date rapey in any way, gnarly as it is.

Yet others brought up Saturday Night by Schoolly D and My Sharona, Every Breath You Take as other examples of songs that could’ve been picked for their sheer grossness over Lola. Alas…

Rather conveniently, Trice also happened to be a protege of Eminem – who also happened to have a beef with Moby. So there you have it, our circle is complete.

Anyway – Moby…if you’re reading this, please call me! Its very urgent. I’d love to have a chat and point out songs far more transphobic than Lola. And please, for the love of God, give back those CDs you sampled for Play.

Soundtrack: Fila Brazillia – Apehorn Concerto